Entirely Random Reflection

When I was younger, I hated being outside. I didn't like the warmth, I didn't like the brightness, I didn't like that it required moving around. Like, I spent the better part of several days of a family cruise in our (interior) cabin watching movies instead of sitting by the pool. The prospect of going outside for anything other than necessary errands made me feel anxious and physically uncomfortable.

Today, I find myself feeling completely differently. My activity of choice during lockdown has been gardening. I'm completely unable to focus on writing my sermon unless the window is open and I have flowers on my desk, and I'm longing for the moment that I can change into my grungy clothes and start digging in the dirt.

I think part of the reason for this change is how my perspective of myself has changed. As a kid and teen, I was very inward-looking, feeling misunderstood and interested only in what was going on inside my own head. But now, I long to be a part of something bigger than me. I still spend a lot of time inside my head, but I find that my body craves stimulation from the world around me to reassure me that I belong there.

I've always known that I have control over my own thoughts, but now I see that even without control of my surroundings, I can still have an impact that goes beyond myself, and I can be impacted in return. There's something comforting about being a small but irreplaceable part of the universe.